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Fat Ronaldo Has A New Son

8 Dec

Fat Ronaldo has been blessed with a brand new son, and no, he didn’t give birth to him. Being a busy footballer in Brazil, Ronaldo may have trouble juggling his day job with the early mornings, diaper changes, and lack of sleep. Not to mention all the paternal care and attention he will need to commit ’round the clock…oh, wait a minute. I seem to have erred in my understanding of the story. Fat Ronaldo indeed has a new son, except he is far from an infant. In fact, he’s a ripe five years old!!

DNA tests confirmed Fat Ronaldo is indeed the father of Alexander. The mother, Michele Umezu, is a Japanese-Brazilian woman who Ronaldo met in Japan during the 2002 World Cup. They apparently got together two years later resulting in her pregnancy. Umezu started the paternity testing process back in July 2009, which probably means she has fallen on tough economic times and needs a sugar daddy to support her and Alex. How convenient!

Problem is, Fat Ronaldo has kids as widespread as his waist line. He has a ten-year old son named Ronald from his marriage to Milene Domingues, a Brazilian footballer. He also has two daughters, Maria Sophia (2) and Maria Alice (8 months) with his current girlfriend Bia Antony who’s an engineer. On the one hand, you gotta love his appeal for the working class woman. On the other hand, he’s getting stretched thin with all these responsibilities  (proverbially that is, although literally would probably suit him better).

Fat Ronaldo made the announcement on his twitter account yesterday:

“Alex is my son, the brother of 3 other beautiful children like him. And I will always be a father to him, for all of the pleasures and duties.”

Let’s hope his definition of “pleasures” does not include over-eating, lack of exercise, and obesity. “Duties” should also include a lesson on how to differentiate between a woman, and what might look like a woman on the surface – the most important thing a father can teach his son.

Best wishes fatty!


Fat Ronaldo returns with a BANG

15 Oct

Fat Ronaldo, sidelined with an injury and incessant trips to McDonalds, held a press conference yesterday to announce his intentions of returning to the field for Corinthians this weekend.

At the conclusion of his remarks, Ronaldo lit a smoke bomb on stage with a little shit-smirk on his face. He later explained, “It was given to me by a comedian. I play poorly, and then disappear into the mist.”

Well that sure is promising for Corinthians fans. The guy is already making his own jokes about how bad he’ll be when he returns to the field! Unfortunately for Ronaldo, he may need a little bit more than smoke to make his plump frame disappear. Something more along the lines of fruits and vegetables might do…

Fat Ronaldo’s Career May Be Over

23 Jul

That picture says it all. He looks like the little fat kid in any movie who’s forced to run a short distance and then pleads for death more than anything. Ronaldo commented the other day, “I’m getting very old, and my body is urging me to stop.” I think what his body is really telling him to stop is the drinking, eating, partying, eating, eating, and hooking up with trannies. Very old? He’s only 33!!

To be fair, you can’t really blame the guy if he chose to call it quits in the near future. He is THE Ronaldo. Ronaldinho, which means “little Ronaldo” and whose real name is Ronaldo de Assis Moreira, was forced into that nickname without a choice. You couldn’t just waltz around with the king’s name. He scored 242 times in 333 appearances during his club career. Not to mention another whopping 62 goals in 97 appearances for his country. 15 goal in the World Cup remains an all-time record. He’s won every tournament and individual honor imaginable.

We still have until December to watch him play, but all signs are pointing to that being the very end. Here’s a quick compilation of his masterful career.

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