Archive | September, 2011

Ray Hudsonisms Part 2

22 Sep

Valencia vs Barcelona – 9.21.11

“Beautifully released by Lionel Messi. Mathieu is all over Lionel but he can still measure it to split millimeter perfection on the run under pressure – means nothing to him. Still another red carpet pass.”

“Pep Guardiola keeping the ex-Valencia man, David Villa, sat on the bench twitching like a greyhound to get out of the traps.”

“Virtually runs into the Barcelona players more than anything. And goes lubbly jubbly upside down.” (Adil Rami)

“And this has upset the apple cart!” (Abidal’s own goal)

“Smooth finish. Smoother than an eight-ball. And Pedro smacks it bottom corner! Strap yourselves in, we’re in for a cracker.”

“Wonderful cover by captain tarzan. Comes across – the big insurance policy that he always is.” (Puyol)

“The poor man who’s wearing big goat horns is Eric Abidal.”

“Down that left side again man. They’re attacking like Dracula attacks a plate of liver. They’re feasting on it down there.”

“That’s a great ball in from Thiago Alcantara. And usually that’s magnetized by Messi.”

“Bad pass. He wins it beautifully Fabregas. But he could have led the pass into that cow’s field bad behind Miguel.”

“Dani Alves still able to throw the lasso around [Piatti].”

“We’re just had two eclipses of the sun tonight.”

“Messi is mesmerizing – just bamboozles the entire defense.”


Women and Children Only at Turkish Football Matches

22 Sep

Men are pigs. Bullish, impatient, mindless, and above all selfish. It is why I only love women. And apparently, so do the Turks. In an effort to punish clubs for crowd trouble while acknowledging that such trouble comes from a small percentage of individuals, the Turkish Football Federation proposed barring all males over the age of 12 from the stands as punishment. So instead of playing behind closed doors in front of nobody, women and children to the front!

The first team to fall victim was Fenerbahce, who drew 1-1 with Manisaspur on Tuesday in front of 41,000 screaming women and children in the Sukru Saracoglu Stadium. A pre-season pitch invasion against Shakhtar Donetsk prompted the Federation to act and the “no men” policy was born.

One would expect a rather tame atmosphere and very little attention paid to the match itself. However the women rocked the Sukru Saracoglu throughout the night with many holding signs reading “Welcome to Hell.” Each and every chant was sung with as much zeal as the ultras, albeit without the baritone.

The Turks should be commended for implementing this policy to punish only those responsible, and for having a female population that is not only extremely easy on the eye but also as enamored with football as the men. More matches like this and the women will start invading the pitch. Although I can hardly imagine the players taking issue with being gang tackled by a group of females…

Like I said, men are pigs.

Weekend Couch Guide

16 Sep

Friday, September 16
2:30pm Freiburg vs Stuttgart (ESPN Deportes)

Saturday, September 17
7:30am Blackburn vs Arsenal (ESPN2)
9:45am Bayer Leverkusen vs Cologne (ESPN Deportes)
10:00am Aston Villa vs Newcastle (FSC)
10:00am Wolverhampton vs Queens Park Rangers (Fox Soccer Plus)
12:00pm Bolton vs Norwich City – Tape Delay (FSC)
12:00pm Cagliari vs Novara (Fox Soccer Plus)
12:30pm Kaiserlautern vs Mainz (GolTV)
2:00pm Barcelona vs Osasuna (ESPN Deportes)
2:00pm Swansea vs West Bromwich Albion – Tape Delay (Fox Soccer Plus)
2:30pm Inter Milan vs Roma (FSC)
4:00pm Sevilla vs Real Sociedad (GolTV)
5:00pm Everton vs Wigan – Tape Delay (FSC)

Sunday, September 18
6:30am PSV Eindhoven vs Ajax (ESPN Deportes)
6:30am Atalanta vs Palermo (Fox Soccer Plus)
8:30am Tottenham vs Liverpool (Fox Soccer Plus)
9:00am Siena vs Juventus (FSC)
10:00am Zaragoza vs Espanyol (ESPN Deportes)
10:30am Fulham vs Manchester City – Tape Delay (Fox Soccer Plus)
11:00am Manchester United vs Chelsea (FSC)
11:30am Schalke vs Bayern Munich (GolTV)
12:00pm Atletico Madrid vs Racing Santander (ESPN Deportes)
12:30pm Sunderland vs Stoke City – Tape Delay (Fox Soccer Plus)
2:00pm Levante vs Real Madrid (GolTV)
2:30pm Napoli vs AC Milan (FSC)
3:00pm Lyon vs Marseilles (Fox Soccer Plus)
4:00pm Athletic Bilbao vs Real Betis (GolTV)

A German Champions League Welcome

13 Sep

This year’s Champions League group stage features a number of mouth-watering match ups, highlighted by the ideological battle between three English Premier League and Bundesliga clubs. The debt-ridden, price gauging, heavy spending English vs the financially sound, responsible Germans. While Manchester City are made to wait until the end of the month to face Bayern, Arsenal and Chelsea face stiff competition this afternoon and their opponents have approached the encounters in differently.

Chelsea host Bayer Leverkusen and the return of Michael Ballack. Midfielder Sidney Sam decided to stoke the fires with this post on his Facebook page:

Unfortunately, the fire Mr. Sidney stoked might be big enough to light a birthday candle at best. The black manikin is more intimidating than that school boy smile and 1990’s thumb down. He would have been better off tweeting the contemptuous remark without the photo. Now he just looks like an idiot.

Borussia Dortmund, who last faced Arsenal in 2001-02 in much the same circumstances as reigning Bundesliga champions, host the north London outfit in their 80,000 strong Signal Iduna Park today. To welcome the Gooners, Dortmund created this  video:

Pretty cute, no? Might work better as a homage to their home fans in anticipation of a new campaign. Then again, the cheery and uplifting nature of the video is still probably frightening to a Gunner team stripped of all confidence and wracked with pressure. Apart from Barcelona vs Milan, this is easily the must-see match of the afternoon.

Ray Hudsonisms Part 1

12 Sep

For those of you who do not know Ray Hudson, he is the color man on GolTV’s American broadcast of football matches. To put it bluntly he is out of control, bat-shit crazy. A Geordie by blood, Hudson plied his trade with Newcastle in the 1970’s before moving to the NASL for the rest of his career. Surely not the greatest midfielder to have ever graced the game, but Hudson’s brilliance lies in his broadcasting. Euphemisms, metaphors, other worldly comparisons, hysterics, turrets-like shrills of excitement, and plenty of high blood pressure is the best way to describe a match with Hudson in the booth. If you have never heard him, it is imperative you find time to do so this weekend.

To whet your appetites a bit, and to recap what you may have missed, every Monday will feature an installment of the best quotes from Hudson over the weekend. They are as baffling as they are comedic.

Below are the highlights from Saturday’s match between Real Madrid and Getafe at the Bernabéu:

“Rifling his way through the clashing rocks.” (Di Maria)

“Little ‘avatar eyes’ takes over the wheel there.” (Ozil)

“Wonderful header from Mr. Slick.” (Cristiano Ronaldo)

“And that’s what happens when you don’t take your chances against real Madrid. They’ll jump out of the closet and draw your blood.”

“Cool like a killer. Wonderful penalty box predator.” (Benzema)

“That was magic from saint Iker. Picking out Sergio Ramos who was putting his headband right.”

“Coentrao misses an absolute howler! It’s beyond a toilet bowl finish…and Fabio makes a big red baboon’s backside out of the finish. No excusing it – finger down the throat again.”

“The Venezuelan international absolutely flamethrowers this.” (Miku)

“Cannot quite spread his wings like a bat out of hell to get to this.” (Moya on Cristiano’s penalty take)

“Fabulous from Cristiano Ronaldo! Look at this people. Get out of your sofas and go and kiss the TV set and Cristiano’s smiling face because that is an absolute phenomenal pass…beyond split millimeter. He curls it. He takes everything – the moon’s gravitational pull – into account and provides it on a silver plate with a big white ribbon tied around it. Cristiano! Superlative.”

Weekend Couch Guide

9 Sep

Friday, September 9
2:30pm AC Milan vs Lazio (FSC)

Saturday, September 10
9:30am Borussia Dortmund vs Hertha Berlin (GolTV)
10:00am Arsenal vs Swansea City (FSC)
10:00am Stoke City vs Liverpool (Fox Soccer Plus)
10:00am Sunderland vs Chelsea (ESPN2)
12:00pm Villarreal vs Sevilla (GolTV)
12:00pm Real Sociedad vs Barcelona (ESPN Deportes)
12:30pm Bolton vs Manchester United (FSC)
2:00pm Real Madrid vs Getafe (GolTV)
2:30pm Cesena vs Napoli (FSC)
2:30pm Wolverhampton vs Tottenham – tape delay (Fox Soccer Plus)
4:00pm Valencia vs Atletico Madrid (ESPN Deportes)
4:30pm Everton vs Aston Villa – tape delay (Fox Soccer Plus)
5:00pm Manchester City vs Wigan – tape delay (FSC)

Sunday, September 11
6:30am Juventus vs Parma (Fox Soccer Plus)
7:30am Roda JC vs FC Twente (ESPN Deportes)
8:30am Norwich City vs West Brom (Fox Soccer Plus)
9:00am Roma vs Cagliari (FSC)
9:30am Cologne vs Nuremburg (ESPN Deportes)
11:00am Fulham vs Blackburn (FSC)
11:30am Wolfsburg vs Schalke (GolTV)
12:00pm Rayo Vallecano vs Zaragoza (ESPN Deportes)
2:30pm Palermo vs Inter Milan (FSC)
3:00pm PSG vs Brest (Fox Soccer Plus)
4:00pm Espanyol vs Athletic Bilbao (GolTV)

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